Real Programmers

Real programmers don't eat quiche. Real programmers don't even know how to spell quiche, and actually don't care. They like: twinkies, coke, any junk from a vending machine, and palate-scorching Szechwan food.

Real programmers don't write specs. Users should consider themselves lucky to get any programs at all and take what they get.

Real programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.

Real programmers don't document. Documentation is for simps who can't read the source code or the assembly code.

Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much good it did them.

Real programmers don't write applications programs; they program right down on the bare metal. Applications programming is for feebs who can't do systems programming.

Real programmers don't use VB or any other kind of BASIC. Wake up. NO programmers use BASIC after age 9.

Real programmers don't write in Java. Actually, no programmers write in Java after reaching puberty.

Real programmers don't use APL, unless the whole program can be written on one line.

Real programmers don't use LISP! Only effeminate programmers use more parentheses than actual code write LISP.

Real programmers don't write in C++. C++ is for wimpy applications programmers who can't think logically, and have too much time on their hands.

Real programmers don't write in C#. C# is for incompetent applications programmers who failed the C++ course and the Java course.

Real programmers don't write in Fortran. Fortran is for geeky engineers who wear white socks, pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies who get all excited over finite state analysis and nuclear reactor simulation.

Real programmers don't write Unix shell scripts. Unix shell scripts are for programmers who are incapable of writing in C, C++ or Fortran.

Real programmers don't use third-party libraries. Third party libraries are for college dropouts who failed their home economics degree course. Only code that runs on the bare metal can be called a program.

Real programmers don't write in Pascal, or Bliss, or Ada, or any of those pinko computer science languages. Strong typing is for people with weak minds.

Real programmers' programs never work right the first time. But if you throw them on the machine they can be patched into working in only a few 30-hour debugging sessions.

Real programmers never work 9 to 5. If any Real Programmers are around at 9:30 AM, it's because they were up all night.

Real programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle of the machine room.

Real programmers don't like the Team Programming concept. Unless, of course, they get to be the Chief Programmer.

Real programmers have no use for managers. Managers are a necessary evil. Managers are for dealing with personnel bozos, bean counters, senior planners, and other mental defectives.

Real programmers don't drive clapped out Fords. They prefer BMWs, Lincolns, or pickup trucks with floor shifts. Fast motorcycles are rare but highly regarded.

Real programmers like vending machine popcorn. Coders pop it in the microwave oven. Real programmers use the heat given off by the CPU. They can tell how the job is running just by listening to the rate the corn is popping.

Real programmers know every nuance of every machine instruction, and use them in every program. Puppy architect types won't allow execute instructions to address another execute as the target instruction. Real programmers despise such petty restrictions.

Real programmers don't bring brown bag lunches to work. If the vending machine sells it, they eat it. If it's not in the vending machine, they don't. Vending machines don't sell quiche.
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